HCI Meet on August 8 2021
The Hugging Club of India online meeting was presided over by Dr.Parijat Roy who works with Sion Hospital Mumbai. He spoke about the topic on “Breakups and the stress that comes with it and how to handle it”. Here is an account of what the good doctor spoke ( his own words) on this much awaited Zoom session conducted by HCI.
Every breakup has pain associated with it. Breaks up are extremely painful and distressing. A person who has suffered a breakup would experience a wide range of symptoms ranging from feeling low, unworthy, distressed, depressed, having decreased appetite, having insomnia to serious symptoms like helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness and having suicidal intentions and thoughts. Breakups should not be taken lightly and we should not wait for the symptoms to worsen up, which may need medical intervention and support. People do recover from breakups. But the recovery phase from a breakup varies depending on the person, the personality of the person, the intensity of commitment in the relationship and the duration of the relationship. The longer the duration the more it takes to heal. A mental well-being professional can help to manage the distress and help us handle the phases. The time after breakup is like any other grieving processes. A Breakup also goes through the 5 stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The time taken to recover depends on how long we are in any one of the stages. Denial comes immediately after breakup. It involves the belief that the person is still in the relationship; Anger comes after that. It manifests over the partner leaving us; Bargaining involves doing anything to be in the relationship; Depression phase begins after the breakup really sinks in where the main problem comes. On the other hand, Acceptance phase is where the person realises that the partner is no more in the relationship and this is where healing starts. Breakups clinically could be of two scenarios. It could be when the partner breaks up with us or when we breakup with a partner.
HCI’s workshops on Zoom are always well attended by a host of participants
How to handle breakup:
When the partner breaks up with us, begin the process by putting a stop to demeaning yourself. Stop using the word that the partner has dumped you. We are not some pieces of trash to be dumped upon. We need to think deep and stop blaming ourselves and stop blaming the partner. Harbouring anger or resentment or bitterness is not good. The negative emotions pile up and worsen us. Also, do not bitch about your partner.
Always remember the fact that just being in a relationship, does not mean it should work 100%. Accept the fact that break up comes with pain. It gives a lot of heart break.
Once acceptance comes healing begins. Once you reach the acceptance phase start taking care of yourself. In a relationship we invest much in the welfare of the relationship so that we tend to neglect and side line our welfare. This is the time to reconnect with yourself. Start spending quality time for you. You could spend time with family and friends who were given minimal importance when you were in a relationship. This is the chance to connect with them. This could help you cope up with loneliness which is a by-product of a breakup. Watch your eating pattern. Do eat well. Do not eat less or do not go for binge eating. Regulate your sleep cycle as in a relationship you could have stayed awake till late night. Follow good sleep hygiene. Exercise and work on your body. Both physical and mental health go hand in hand together. If one falls it will pull down the other too. Learn a skill or travel somewhere you wanted to visit. Listen to music. Music can heal. Just don’t listen to heartbreak songs.
Do not abuse substances. Substances although can give momentary relief they are depressive and worsen the mood and are also detrimental to health.
Do not get into a rebound. Rebounds might happen. Without thinking the pros and cons do not get in to another relationship soon. Take some time to get over the breakup.
Do not follow your ex in social media. Block the person from your contacts and social media posts. It really helps.
Vent out your emotions to a trusted person be it family or friends. You can also write in diary which can help you manage your emotions well too.
Express gratitude for the good memories that you had in the relationship. Not all are lucky to be in a relationship.
Learn from the past relationship. Life is but a journey of getting experiences.
Take help from a professional if it is overwhelming. It is not a sign of weakness. ”If we get a fracture in the leg we go to the doctor so why not for this.”
When we breakup with the partner:
Initially we will be relieved. It will be followed by a period of feeling low and finally we will be guilty for leaving the partner.
Before breaking up think clearly and make sure you want to break up. If you have an iota of doubt on your decision then try speaking with the partner. Take a break. This break will give you clarity and then make a decision.
If you are sure to breakup then it is fine. Although we don’t have a valid reason for break up and we could see it is not working, it is perfectly okay to end the relationship. You did an honest straight forward thing. You did not drag your partner on to something that was not working. You did not cheat on your partner. Eventually, your partner will also move on.
No one can be the source of your happiness or unhappiness. Likewise you cannot be the source of happiness or unhappiness of your partner too.
If you feel that the guilt phase that you are undergoing is pathological and affecting your daily routine or functionality seek professional help.
It is possible to get back into another relationship, after a breakup despite the intensity suffered.
Believe that setbacks can happen anywhere in life. It doesn’t mean that setbacks will happen again. Give yourself a chance.
Just make sure it is not a rebound and not on an impulse that you are choosing the next relationship. Take time to know the person and then invest accordingly.
If the cycle of getting into a relationship breaking up continues more than once or twice, then it is time to introspect, look for the reason for failing relationships and then work on it.
– Transcribed by Kaushik ( Content Writer)