HCI meet 24.02.2021
Dr. Kiran Makhijani very clearly explained the difference between grudge, regret and guilt..
▪️Grudge is against someone or something
▪️Regret is when you say “Oh, damn… I should have done this, etc.
▪️Guilt is an emotion after regret and thoughts associated with that. Eg.: I am useless, etc.
Like any other emotion, it has a positive role but in excess it is negative. It pulls you down.
Here are some of the excerpts from the Question and Answer session with the doctor:
🔷 Guilt of not having done adequate for parents in their last moments.
Accept that, you did what you could… though you may think that you could have done better… Think you did what was possible for you at that time, as per your resources and thinking..
🔷 Self guilt for not having satisfied expectations of someone in past
See what is in your control. Memory will be there, do not associate emotion with it… identify the emotion and neutralize it…have neutral emotion for the person or incidence. You can have admiration and respect.. but do not expect reciprocation..
if the other person is not communicating then write down or make voice notes as if you are speaking to him and then forget it, thinking that you have done communication part from your side and you have taken things out from your inside.
🔷 Drug addiction: When my peers are not supporting or not acknowledging
- Acknowledge what you are,
acknowledge efforts you are taking to improve.
Say that I have done the Best. I can do better. I can take helps of others to improve… Give yourself a pat…do not expect others to validate or appreciate you every time.. others will never understand your struggle.
If you can make yourself guilty,, then why can’t you appreciate or validate yourself?
🔷 Masturbation and associated guilt… and survivor guilt
- Masturbation guilt : There is reason for it. There is a urge, there is a biological need, understand this and also channel your energies well.
- Survivor guilt, people help you when you need, take their help, and you also help others as per your capacity, when you can. You are always on a ladder, always some are above you and some are below you.
Appreciate the people who help you and appreciate yourself for helping others..
🔷 Urge to take drugs
Keep cues ready around, to tell you that the urge is coming and telling you what to do. Use constructive non-harmful distraction.
Keep your purpose written near you, to tell you, why you are not indulging in drugs, why you decided to not indulge in drugs.
🔷 Guilt about having complained bad touch by teacher in school in past. It was a case of psychosis, she realised that all those allegations were hallucinations..
It was reality for you then, now you have improved….
Ask for forgiveness, but keep in mind what if other person does not accept the forgiveness, so ask for forgiveness in absence by writing a letter and do not post the letter.
🔷 My mom and dad fight. So I hate her, but she pays for my expenses. I fight with my mother, so I feel torn between hate and gratitude..
When you feel good about your mother, start expressing by talk, expression or gestures, so she understands it. She may understand it immediately or may understand later, but you keep doing your part.
🔷 Few insights..🔷
🔷 Learn to accept that, things will not be as good as you expect, and be comfortable with that.
🔷 Your confidante may not be available to you, always.
Accept that, do not push him away if he cannot be available to you always.
🔷 Do not feel guilty for feeling negative emotions.. it’s OK and normal. Accept it and work on them if they’re harmful.
🔷 There is nothing wrong in saying No and setting boundaries.You are whole in yourself. Every person is unique and hence two people are different.
We should understand this and need not feel guilty for saying no to others.
🔷 Mandatory Thank you and Mandatory sorry. …we say mandatory thank you and mandatory sorry to others…
we should say this to ourselves, also.
Say mandatory sorry to yourself, when you make mistakes and leave it at that.
Say mandatory thanks to yourself when you do something good to yourself.
🔷 Have neutral relationship with persons where it is difficult to have an emotional one.
Similarly, have neutral relationship with yourself, in some circumstances where it is needed and useful.
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