In the LGBT community, we have many discussions about acceptance, inclusiveness, oppression, rights, laws, and other subjects important to the community. Yet, the topic of relationships, one of the most sought after and elusive of all, is hardly ever discussed. Every LGBTQ++ person has a strong opinion on the subject drawn from personal experiences, but how many formal discussions with an expert on the subject actually happen? Hardly any. Thanks to The Hugging Club of India, on 23rd June’21, I was fortunate to be a part of one. It was led by Queer Affirmative counselor Rovan Varghese, an expert on dealing with this mysterious yet important topic.
Rovan is the most patient, sorted, and mature counsellor I have met. He dealt with the topic in a philosophical way suggesting practical solutions to difficult questions. He has transformed the way that I looked at dating and relationships by offering a bird’ eye view on the matter. Most gay men start dating because they find the person physically attractive or if the sex is good. Though men may be naturally predisposed to be sexually active, there are other factors that play a greater role in achieving companionship.
The quest for looking for a romantic partner is different for queer folk as we do not fall into the hetero normative, socially accepted structures. Hence, our approach has to be different. Some of the characteristics one needs to look for in their queer partner are reciprocity, respect, sensitivity, a good friend, allowing to be oneself, the kind of relationship, age difference, emotional availability, interest in each other’s lives, values, inspiring positivity, and honesty. Both the persons involved should be aware of the social status regarding their lifestyle, as in if they are out or not and to whom, and, if that is acceptable. These matters, though intuitively present somewhere in the dynamics of partnership are taken for granted. Aren’t these the most important aspects one must prioritize in the relationship? Most of us in the community are so engrossed in qualities like the level of education, financial status, physical attraction, articulation in English, personality, social status, and likeability that we totally miss out on the most important ingredients that are imperative in sustaining a long-term relationship. Rovan stressed the importance of physical intimacy too. It is important, at least in the initial stages of the relationship. But it cannot be the premise for sustaining the relationship.
The QnA session too, lived up to the gravity of the topic with participants asking candid yet vulnerable questions.
On allowing personal space, Rovan advised that both partners should not be overbearing on each other. Though in love, both must understand that every human needs some time alone. Both must continue living their individual lives even after committing to a relationship. The relationship should encourage love and companionship and not be a burden.
Importance of sex for the relationship
Sexual compatibility is important. In the initial period of the relationship, it helps develop closeness and intimacy. However, over a period its importance recedes and other factors mentioned before become more important. It is important to prioritize one’s needs and explore accordingly.
When should one disclose ones HIV status, especially if positive ?
The therapist advised that one should not be ashamed or unconfident if HIV positive. One can disclose their status when a certain comfort is achieved in the relationship. If one feels it is okay to be vulnerable, they can share personal information like being HIV Positive.
On the topic of finances and money; a neglected yet highly sensitive topic that can break prospective relationships, Rovan opined that it is an important discussion to have with the person one is dating. Like they say that money matters should always be crystal clear – it holds true for relationships too. As one starts dating and spending time together, money is involved in joint activities and it can become a bone of contention if not addressed on time.
How to uncover yourself while getting to know each other ?
It is human to get carried away and open up completely when we start liking someone and see a possible future. But the therapist advises against being too candid and revealing all the cards in the first dew dates. It could scare the dates away. It is better to allow the prospect to take in and digest parts of our personality and not overwhelm them with too much too soon. That way we can have enough time for ourselves too and both can get a 360-degree view of each other. The experience will be wholesome and allow for informed decisions.
How to deal with rejections ?
Most of the means of dating today have become online. It is the fastest, easiest, and most convenient way of interacting and meeting someone. However, it is also very unidimensional and incomplete. Rovan is of the opinion that every human being has many parts to themselves. And one can grasp only one or two dimensions of the person virtually. In order to know a person, one has to witness all the dimensions which will give a better understanding of the person before making choices. The golden rule is “Human beings make more sense as a whole than as individual parts”.
If someone does reject you, you must understand that the person just witnessed one dimension of your personality and lost the rest of you. So, it shouldn’t really matter if the person is not interested in knowing you as a whole. Reciprocity and respect are essential for a relationship.
How to recover from past relationships and when to start dating again ?
Relationships require a lot of mental and emotional investment. And that can be very exhausting taking out all the energy. So, separations are always traumatic and difficult times to go through. The therapist advised that one must give oneself sufficient time and space to overcome the difficult period and not jump into another relationship immediately. That will definitely affect the new alliance and also be difficult for both the people involved. One also has to be able to close past chapters and tie all the loose ends to keep them from affecting current relationships.
The event ended with a wonderful insight from one of the participants who has been in a long-term happy relationship with his partner. He shared that there is no rule or method that will guarantee us a partner. But in his experience, we get what we want when we stop looking for it. He felt that when we are satisfied with our lives and ourselves, living it fully and being happy and content that we send out the right vibes and the universe responds accordingly. I am definitely going to follow this esoteric and philosophical path hoping to find my better half. What do you think?
By Guruprasad G B
Creative Writer