Author: umangadmin

Accepting your mental illness is the first step you take for your recovery. Sharing about it is even tougher. It takes a special type of courage to talk openly with others especially strangers about your trials and mental health journery. On 1st November 2023, HCI conducted an online session where partipants shared their inspiring stories and how they are dealing courageously with their mental illness.

Here’s an account of the same:

I am fighting OCD since 2014.

It was because of consecutive traumas that I had experienced. I lost my mother to tuberculosis. My mom’s sister took care of me. I was a child at that time. My dad married my mom’s sister because many people suggested him to do so, so that I could be taken care of. But she later died by suicide due to her own problems. I don’t know what mother’s love feels like, but I miss it.

Thereafter I met somebody who was also as loving as my mother, but they also left me because of some problems. There are other things that happened with me which have shocked me.

All these traumas caused me to have anxiety and depression when I was about 16 years old. Eventually, it took shape of OCD, an anxiety disorder that is debilitating. I took psychiatric treatment after a lot of suffering. I started medicine and therapy sessions in 2015.

Initially, I was not aware about what was happening to me. But once, in a newspaper health article, I read about OCD and convinced my family to take me to a psychiatrist.

I recovered quickly after treatment. Once I started feeling better, I stopped taking medicine without permission of my doctor. That was a mistake. Never stop your medicines, unless the doctor allows it.

My recovery got reversed and I attempted suicide by jumping into a well. My family and neighbours were shocked.

An hour before this incident, I had called my dad at work and told him what I was about to do. I had sent my sister to the market to buy something for me to eat. So there were no one in my house.

I tried jumping into a well 2-3 times but I got stuck. The fourth time I rushed towards the well and jumped into it from the backside. That was 17th November 2018.

I can’t express how I reacted inside the deep well full of drinking water. I got rescued by my family members and neighbours. A huge crowd had gathered around.

People used their their own imagination about my reasons for attempting suicide. The same day I was admitted to a local psychiatry unit and later sent to Mangalore Psychiatry Hospital for further evaluation.

Many people came to see me. But none of them understood me. Instead of showing care for me, they questioned my suicide attempt despite having a caring group of people. Very few bought fruits for me, but almost everyone taunted me. Some people used disrespectful words. I was already in panic and this caused me to feel more panic.

People bring fruits and other things if you are admitted to hospital for physical ailments. They feel pity for physical diseases. But for mental illnesses they don’t. They bring comments and gossips.

The hospital I was admitted to had very little space. There were different kinds of mentally ill patients around. I saw them struggling and I felt I was not alone. There is long list of treatment procedures I underwent in that hospital. Patients with mental illness were treated without respect there.

Some 20+ days later, they discharged me. I came out of that hospital much stronger.

Suddenly I got an idea to google mental health support groups. I did and I found many people like me on social media, from teenagers to elderly people. HCI is one of the groups I found. Here I was able to talk to people with the same mindset.

In the earlier days, I was shy to share but later I started talking openly about my own mental illness.

Being on medicine I am fine now though I am still recovering.

I am taking help.
I am listening to others with mental illnesses.
Everything is so sensitive around mental health.

Why are we not ready to take medicines for psychiatry problems and ready to do it for other physical health issues? Isn’t it very stigmatised?

Rather than me convincing you to support mental health issues, it should come internally from you to act accordingly.

I am now more stronger than before. More Mature. More Knowledgeable. More open.

I have been able to change the way of thinking of 2-3 people that I have met here. It’s a very small number but for me but it’s an achievement.

Have a look at the people around you. They may seem happy but in reality most people have their own problems.

I have accepted myself for who I am and what I will be in future. I am a 26 years old man now. I am ready to take treatment lifelong, if required.

Men do deal with mental illness. They are not aliens to feel stronger always!

Thanks for reading.

I hope my story will help at least 1 person.

– Written by HCI family member

– Edited by Amit Rai

HCI conducted an offline session on August 6, 2023 at Cold Lava Studio, Mulund (E), Mumbai. It was led by Sulabha Subramaniam, a practising Mental Health Professional since more than 23 years.

All of us are faced by failures in life at one time or the other, whether at work, in romantic relationships, in marriage or in friendships or maybe we succumbed to some addiction. At times, we take failure to heart and this can affect our psyche for years to come. How can we break out of this mindset of being a failure, forgive ourselves and move on? That was the topic of the day for this HCI session conducted by Sulabha.

Being a Senior Therapist at the Institute for Psychological Health (IPH) & Mosaic Center, both in Thane. she has been associated with various renowned organisations like IPH, SEARCH (Gadchiroli), Kshamata & SUPPORT (Mumbai) in different capacities since many years. She is involved with different rehabilitation groups and facilitates a support group L.O.C., for parents of children with serious behaviour issues. She is the coordinator of Maitra, a tele-counselling helpline of IPH launched in 1998, for those who need emotional support in distress. She has often been invited as a guest faculty for lectures and workshops at various institutes.

Sulabha broke the ice by sharing her own experiences where she had felt like a failure. She comes from a humble back ground and from a family that lived on meagre means. Her parents were married late in life and by the time she grew up, they both had health issues. Her mother was bed-ridden for quite a few years. So Sulabha had seen her parents struggle since childhood. But inspite of life’s many difficulties, her parents would try to help out others. Many people used to take advantage of their nature and manipulate them for their own selfish ends. But when her parents faced tough times, those who were the recipients of their help and love in the past did not come forward to reciprocate the same. Sulabha felt betrayed and also felt a sense of failure because she saw people taking advantage of her parents and could not stop that from happening. Her good natured parents continued to help others selflessly and unconditionally.

Even after marriage, she spent a lot of time taking care of her ill parents and that affected her emotionally too, as she felt a sense of failure when she realised she could not help them beyond a point. She was quite frank enough to admit that she feels this failure sometimes even now, decades after they passed away. She too inherited their nature of helpfulness, but she did have her moments of doubt where she debated on whether she should help others as she had seen how people can take advantage of such a good-natured person. Eventually she realised (via introspection and therapy) that being helpful is her core nature and she cannot run away from it. She did not want to be a person who is not true to her core beliefs. She wanted to be herself. She came to a realisation that the way others may behave cannot take away her happiness of loving, connecting, giving and helping others. But she also has the awareness now on when to let go without taking it to heart. So her journey began from a level of not forgiving herself and others to eventually coming to an acceptance of her nature and being aware of how others could behave and when to let go.

Sulabha made the session interactive by asking the participants about how they defined failure and the following responses came about:

– Not reaching your expectation

– Stuck in a loop of not being able to process something

– Feeling of being lesser in comparison to your peers

– Feeling you should have done something but didn’t

– Feeling you are lesser than than others and therefore not being able to progress

This sense of failure causes several emotions to build up inside us like sadness, disappointment, guilt of having failed someone else or yourself, anger, sulking, hopelessness, helplessness and loneliness.

Behind these emotions are certain typical thought patterns:

– If something that I worked to achieve did not happen, it is unpardonable and I am a failure (feeling of worthlessness comes in)

– If I fail in a relationship, marriage or a job, it means I am unlovable. I am less than required or lacking in something.

– I am a failure, so I am terrible. No one is going to like me. I will be rejected by everybody and I will forever be alone. I wasted my life (feeling that I am useless).

We are inculcated with a false belief since childhood that only when everything is meeting our expectations or when we are happy and feeling nice that is the only correct way to be. However, life is not a bed of roses. There are always going to be ups and downs.  When we are feeling sad, bad, angry, upset, etc at that particular moment we feel our world is collapsing or there is no point in life or life is hell, whereas this is simply how life is for everyone. We start finding faults with ourselves, with others and with the world. We get stuck in a loop of such negative thoughts. Sometimes this feeling can persist for several years.

One way out of this to close your eyes and think back to the day which caused you to feel like a failure. Think of how terrible you felt that day. And then immediately switch to say, one year later or the present moment. Now evaluate how you feel about that day in the past. Rate on a scale of 0 to 10 on how strong the feeling was on the day of the incident and how strong it is today. You will realise that your worst fears of that day did not actually materialise. You are still able to function in life despite going through that traumatic day in your life. You will realise that intensity of your feelings of anger, sadness, desperation, etc that you felt on the day of the trauma is much reduced today. Some days when you get triggered by a memory of the trauma, the feelings may spike. But by and large, the intensity would be reduced now as compared to the past. So it’s all a matter of your thoughts. In one intense moment, you had probably thought your life was over and nothing mattered. But the unconscious or sub conscious mind does realise that life goes on, despite such incidents. So eventually our mind begins to come to terms with that incident.

Now let’s go back to the responses we received at the beginning about our definitions of failure and think about whether we perceive it from a lens of “I am a failure” or “Was that event (maybe a breakup or a loss of job or a project that didn’t work out) which happened a failure?” The moment we start seeing it from the latter lens, our perspective changes and we do not personalise the failure. When we change our perspective and move on from our failures, we begin to have an open mind that can discover positive things that came out as a result of that failure. Even in the creation of the universe, a big bang needed to happen to be able to create new worlds. Change always happens after a chaos. Thank whatever has happened in your life because you will learn something new about yourself and it will prompt you to take some action to change your life for the better.

However, this change in perspective does not immediately occur when the event of failure happens because at that time our mind is in a whirlwind of emotions. Once some time has passed and there is a distance from the failure, our emotional brain has settled down and our analytical brain can take over and we can try to evaluate what positives remain in our life. For example, when players are playing on the field they may not have the complete picture of the game, which a coach would know when viewing the game from a distance, as the coach would be seeing the larger perspective. So this perspective comes when the event is looked at from a distance.

 We need certain tools to be able to channelise our analytical mind to look for positives. They could be any of the following:

– A support system; maybe a friend to lean on or a mental health professional.

– Journaling our thoughts can also help. Initially when we start journaling, negative thoughts may come in but later on, our thoughts will move on to more positive ones that exist in our lives, which we may have taken for granted. Journaling also gives perspective when done regularly.

– Some may find tools such as exercise, music, meditation to be able to switch on the analytical brain.

There is no fixed tool that everyone can use. One has to be find out what works for them.

Over time, by using the tools explained above we may come across a pattern that is repeating in our life. For example, we may realise that we are good at most aspects of our life but our relationships are frequently failing. Once we accept this, we can re-wire our brain to change that.

How to re-wire our brain wiring to look back at failure, see the positives and change ourselves?

Our sense of self has an adult, a child and a parent. Consider a situation where your elders (parents, family, teachers) have negatively affected you in childhood (e.g. by constant criticism) causing you to have a negative self-image, low self-worth, lack of confidence or an inferiority complex. This biological parent influences our inner parent in the sense of self. As a child we have impressionable minds and our elders’ words and thoughts get imbibed within us. The child in our inner self, in such an instance, begins to imbibe self doubt, fear, hiding, being withdrawn, low self image/ low self worth. The adult in our inner self much later on in our life begins to realise that his personality turned out the way it because of the influences in his childhood.

The way to re-wire the brain is to recognise the inner parent and stop listening to it anymore because the inner adult now has the realisation and can take over to change the thought patterns away from the negative influences that were imbibed in childhood towards more positivity. The adult can now create a new parent in his sense of self that can ooze positive influences like being protective, loving, caring, encouraging, inspiring, giving, understanding, accepting, etc. He is no longer bound by the old parent and the associated thoughts imbibed earlier.

An exercise that works is to draw the image of this new parent on a paper and write down the positive qualities you want in that parent and stick this paper on a place where you can see it daily so that you are constantly reminded of it and the inner self imbibes the qualities of this new parent the same way that the inner child had imbibed the qualities of the old parent in childhood.

 Next, draw an image of a child near that drawing of the new parent and write down the positive qualities you want in that child, such as confidence, fearless, free, happy, loving. This can happen when the new inner parent and the inner adult constantly feeds the new inner child with this positivity. Also, remember to give yourself a hug everyday.

Looking at these drawings and qualities daily is essential because our brain circuits need to be rewired to accept these new inner parent and the new inner child. This exercise needs to be done for a minimum of 21 days but preferably for 30 to 45 days for the brain wiring to change gradually. It’s like forming a new habit of thinking and believing. This is how we change what we think about ourselves and how we can change our behaviour towards ourselves. With this we are changing our self beliefs and improving our self worth. By changing to our new thought patterns we will eventually get out of our old behaviour patterns that were causing events to fail repeatedly.

Once we are able to re-wire our brain, we will automatically stop ourselves when we try to follow our old behaviour because now we are aware about it and the consequences of following the old thought and behaviour patterns. We will be able to deal with situations with a new perspective. If we get criticised now, it is not the old inner child that will respond to the situation anymore to imbibe that criticism. We can now agree to disagree with someone’s criticism about ourself because we know now it is only their opinion about us and we need not share that same opinion about our own self. Simply thinking about this exercise will not allow us to reach this stage. It needs to be done practically to re-wire the brain’s thinking circuits. The first 21 days we need not do too much of practice. Take it slow, then later start doing it more consistently.

We need to remember that the change in our thought and behaviour patterns does not mean we will never feel sad, angry worried, disappointed in future. That’s not going to happen. We will still commit mistakes and go through negative emotions because it is natural to do that in life.

Suppose you are walking on the street and someone pushes you hard from behind to go forward. You will naturally feel angry or irritated. It’s because these emotions are important at that time. It will make you realise that you should not walk on a busy street lost in your own thoughts and without being mindful of your surroundings because any such incident can happen. Your anger will remind you of this in future. Sometimes negative emotions are meant to keep you safe, to train you to be better at survival. They are a wake up call. Suppose you lose a relationship. You will feel sad, lonely, disappointed. It is normal to feel that. In fact, if you don’t get such feelings at that time, that would be abnormal because then you will do the same mistakes in the next relationship. Such feelings make you realise what could have gone wrong and what mistakes you should avoid or what you need to fix in yourself to be ready for the next relationship. Emotional pain is normal and is required in order to be wholesome. We are not robots. We are humans who can feel. We simply need to make sure that we do not stay with the same negative emotion throughout and get caught in a negative loop.

Sometimes when we get negative emotions, we feel the need to control our emotions. But that is also not healthy. Because then we will be leading an artificial life, always trying to be steady and trying to be not affected by anything. Instead what we need to do is regulation of our emotions, rather than control. Sulabha asked the participants about what they did to calm themselves when things are not going their way. Some responses were:

– calling friends to connect with them and talk about it

– walking

– watching a film or OTT apps

– eating a favourite dish

– pausing and reflecting

– outdoor activities

– listening to music

– looking for information to devise a solution

– yoga / meditation / chanting

– watching motivational videos

– letting it go and moving on to another task

– crying

– hugging someone close

The thing is that when we are faced with a problem we frantically begin looking for a solution and are wondering what to do. However, the preparation for any eventuality has to be done when everything is going as per expectations and when we are in a relatively calm state. To prepare our brain for difficult situations, the steps we need to take are long term in nature. Imagine the fruit of a tree. You do not instantly get that fruit. First the soil needs to be ploughed, then the seed needs to be sown, then it needs to be watered regularly and then after few days, a sapling emerges. If it gets regular nutrition and water, it then becomes a healthy fruit bearing tree over several months. The point is that we need to practice techniques when things are relatively okay in our life so that once a failure type situation arises, our mind is already equipped to deal with it.

In our culture, the concept of self-care is not really given much importance. It is considered as being selfish. But self-care is extremely important. There are things we need to do daily to take care of our self.

One is physical stuff like sleeping on time and getting enough sleep, eating nutritious food, taking enough water, doing physical exercises. Exercises, besides making us physically fit, also release serotonin and dopamine to regulate our mental well-being. So when we are in a difficult situation, our body is already in a good state and prepared to deal with it.

Second is psychological self-care about how we handle emotions and relations. We need to have a nurturing and happy relationship with our own self first. Also, we are social animals. So it is important to keep connections with people, but not at any cost. We need to keep boundaries too. Over our life time, we need to collect 5 close people who we can call at any time. We need to nurture these relationships. It won’t happen overnight. When we do find such a person, taking care of that relationship is important. But it has to be a reciprocal relationship. They also need to take care of us the way we take care of them. One sided relationship is co-dependency, which is not healthy. The person has to be caring, genuine, reasonably available, trustworthy (who would keep confidentiality) and a good listener. The people that we like may not be the people who can listen. If they have all other qualities, except good listening skills, we can teach them how to be good listeners.

Even after having a close group of people in your life, our conservations and connection with our own self need to continue and increase. Emotional ups and downs happen to everyone but we need to recognise our limits. Once we realise we are reaching our limit of being able to bear a difficult situation, we need to take help either from these 5 close people or from good intentioned well wishers in our lives, who we have earlier related to (e.g. a teacher or a relative or a neighbour) who could have some knowledge about the issue we are facing. Suppose we are facing a financial issue in our life and our close group of people do not have any financial background. So at such times, we need a well wisher who has reasonable knowledge or comfort level with finance who can at least understand our problem, if not solve it. We also need to be open and proactive in seeking help from mental health professionals.

Sometimes deficiencies in certain vitamins such as B12, D3 cause mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Thyroid dysfunction can also cause emotional ups and downs. Anaemia also can be a cause. So iron levels in body should be normal. Blood sugar imbalance can also cause emotional instability.

We need to try and limit your social interactions with people who display negative vibes, toxic people or manipulative people. We need to listen to our body antenna (gut feeling) about the vibes another person is displaying. If we see a series of pattern with someone where they are constantly talking about the own problems and not doing anything to resolve them despite our efforts to help, we need to create our boundaries with such people and safeguard our interest. People whose words don’t match their actions (saying one thing to us and acting against our best interest when we are not around) are not the best people to spend our energies on.

Many a times we feel if we maintain a distance from such people or if we are firm about maintaining boundaries, we may be looked upon as bad, rejected by people, ridiculed, labelled as non-cooperative or we will not fit in or will be rejected by everyone and therefore no one will talk to us and we will become lonely. But let’s try this: honestly look back at past incidents of our lives where we would have created boundaries for self-care with certain people or even those events where we had faced failure. Did everyone else always reject us in future because of that and did our worst fears come true? Obviously not. Nothing permanent happens as per our worst fears.

Highlights from the Q&A session:

Why do we feel as a failure when we do not get validation on social media and how to deal with it?

We need validation because it is connected to our self-worth. It is a human need and it is a valid need. We are social animals. Validation or appreciation from others creates a sense of belonging. But the problem arises when the full 100% of this need is transferred to others in our mind. This means if others assure us that our social media post was good, via their likes and comments, we are satisfied and happy. But if we do not get the expected number of likes, we feel that no one likes us and that feeling affects our self worth. We hand over the complete power of our self worth to others.   Suppose we change our thought patterns in a way that 70 to 80% of the validation comes from ourselves. We like a post and we share it believing it will be helpful to the group and it makes us happy. Only the remaining 20 to 30% of our happiness depends on external validation. So when the external validation does not come, it still feels a bit disappointing but our world does not collapse as in the first instance.

I am coming out of chem-sex addiction but people now see me as being a drug addict. Whatever I do, I feel people judge me for that. My friend does not talk to me probably because he thinks I am a drug addict. I don’t get invited to parties probably for the same reason. I feel I don’t get respected because of my past failure of drug addiction.

Here we need to change our perspective. Suppose you were having chem-sex until 6 months ago. Before that were you being invited to all the parties? Did everyone love you and enjoy your company? So your interpretation of this may be faulty. First ask yourself, how do you feel about yourself.

If some people are actually ignoring you because of your past, ignore them. Out of the many people that you know and interact with, everybody would not do the same. Yes, it will be hurtful. And you will get such thoughts. But whether to plant that thought in your mind and keep nurturing it and therefore evaluate all future interactions with others through that lens is not proper. Uproot that plant before it begins to grow firm roots in your mind. “I feel bad” is a valid feeling in that moment but “I have been rejected by the world and this is how it will be for the future” is not.

In addition to all what we have discussed there is another aspect of self-care, which is spiritual self care. We need to practice mindful breathing. There is a YouTube video of UCLA which explains this beautifully: https://youtu.be/YFSc7Ck0Ao0

It was a marathon 3 hour session but we gained knowledge of a lifetime. Of course, the samosas and chutney prepared by Mitesh (an HCI family member) certainly helped and the warmth exuded in the confines of the Cold Lava Studio (no pun intended!) by our gracious and welcoming host, Saurabh Masurkar, was the icing on the proverbial cake. As always, the session ended with hugs and smiles all around and memories to take home.

–Written by Amit Rai

–Edited and posted by Mahrukh

Our guest speaker Dr. Rizwana Nulwala took a much-needed session on Social media and insecurity on August 16, 2023. It was an eagerly awaited session as many members were facing this modern challenge that’s become a part of our life.

Social media has revolutionised our lives in the past couple of decades. We are able to connect with long lost friends from all over the world via instant messages and video calling, entertain ourselves, speak our minds to a wider audience, connect with people and make new friends, connect to our favourite celebrities, view videos of places across the world that we cannot visit ourselves, find dates and so much more. But like any other technology it has its dark sides when the algorithms used on such apps exploit human nature to give us unhealthy dopamine kicks and get us addicted to such apps.

Dr Rizwana Nulwala is a psychotherapist based in Mumbai with a rich experience of 24 years. She has done extensive work with people needing de-addiction and those with substance abuse. Her doctoral thesis dealt with children of parents with substance abuse (alcohol/drugs). Her findings reveal that many a times such children choose not to drink ever but they are prone to other addictions such as smoking, weed, exercise addiction or work addiction. There is a genetic link that causes such children to veer towards some other form of addiction. Social media is also one such kind of addiction that has recently developed in the past few years, but particularly more after the Covid pandemic as we became isolated.

In 2018, a research was published by Melissa Hunt where she studied young university students and she discovered a causal link between social media usage and depression. She found that people with restricted use of social media turned out to be happier after 3 weeks of being away from social media. The research says that simply decreasing the social media usage time by 10 minutes per day led to significantly increased mental well being.

Our phones have become like an extension of our hands in the sense that we reach out for our phone whenever we feel like, causing loss of focus in our work. It is also leading to our relationships suffering as one or both of the partners are engrossed in their phones. Consequently, this results in lack of communication and bonding.

We get attracted to social media because when we get likes, shares and positive comments on our posts, it causes dopamine release in the brain that causes a rush of emotion similar to what happens during substance abuse. Our bodies do not naturally produce dopamine after a while so our mind craves for this dopamine rush. It causes an illusion of happiness that is addictive.

We also use filters, effects, air brushing, face morphing features, etc to create an illusion of being better than what we really are and it boosts our self esteem. We usually only show what we want to on social media to create a positive image of ourselves and to feel appreciated by others. So it is a carefully filtered view of us that we put out there to create an illusion of leading a happy life all the time. The struggles we face may not find a place in what we upload. Suppose we have to reach office and we get stuck in traffic, get wet in a downpour and our clothes and hair get messed up by the time we reach office. These are the things we may not usually show on social media.

As per a study, 135 minutes is the time what an average person spends on social media per day but the figure may actually be much higher as the time may be vastly under reported.

Umang also brought to focus usage of dating apps like Grindr, which have additional issues like lack of safety and cyber bullying, blackmail, etc. Despite these dangers, we access such apps which highlights our loneliness and sense of isolation.

Dr Rizwana feels that boundary setting has become tougher because of social media because the lives of everyone we know are always in our face on such apps and even on Whatsapp. But there are ways to handle this: by remembering our boundaries, keeping our phones on silent or responding to calls and messages only at a particular pre-decided scheduled time. This can help to structure our day instead of getting constantly interrupted or flooded with calls and messages, getting overwhelmed about it and then losing focus on work.

Whatsapp can also be a form of over communication. Dr Rizwana has tried a digital detox where she has quit many family Whatsapp groups because she felt forced to constantly greet good morning or be informed about some religious event being arranged weekly or a random party. If one doesn’t comment or like such messages, they are not considered a part of that group. She feels that these posts in a way increase the sense of loneliness because sometimes we see pictures of an event or party that some distant relative threw and you were not invited to it and she prefers to not know about it. So those boundary settings have become harder unless we do it ourselves and that is self love. She feels that if one is secure then that person does not need social media to make them feel good about their life.

At the core of our attraction to social media is that it affects our self esteem. For example, thoughts like “I am good enough if I can have a holiday at this exotic place”, or “I have to eat and post at this new restaurant”, or “I need to have this type of a branded designer outfit”. So we do not feel good about who we are, as it is.  We are looking to get those likes and comments and validation to make us feel good about ourselves. Instead of being anchored within ourselves, we are depending on how others react to our posts to feel good about ourselves.

It can also cause problems in relationships when we see our friends posting from exotic locations and we complain to our partner that we never go on such vacations or to such places, something that would not have happened had we not been exposed to such posts. We may not even realise that the people who originally posted such pictures may have even broken up after that vacation because we do not know their complete stories and only the happy moments that they had shared on social media.

We do our financial audit when we file our tax returns. But sometimes we also need to do a life audit to decide what are the things we want in life and within that how much of social media use should we allow ourselves. High usage of such apps causes isolation. After seeing your friend’s posts about a vacation or a party, you may start thinking that your life is not like that and you would not feel nice about this fact. But we need to remember that we do not need to compare our ‘insides’ to someone’s ‘outsides’.

Dr Rizwana herself uses social media in a limited manner for her work alone. She does not feel the need to remain connected to her friends on social media. She says if there is something actually important in the lives of her friends, they will tell her themselves instead of her finding out random stuff about them on social media like what they ate last evening or what dress they wore or place they visited. She figured who the really important people are in her life and realised that she anyways keeps in contact with them regularly and does not need social media to remain connected with some random school or college friend or acquaintance she may meet once in a few years. She believes that by forcing ourselves out of social media or by restricting our time there we are forced to do other fulfilling things that we otherwise would have done anyways if there had been no social media, such as playing sports or meeting people face to face.

Here are some highlights from the Q&A session that Dr. Rizwana conducted:

Q. How do I get the will power to stop myself from checking my post to see how many likes or comments it got?

Rather than will power, it is a question about access to your life. What you need to remember before you post something is how many people need to know about the part of your personal life you are putting out there. In our house we have a bell, walls and a door, so no one can just enter it any time they feel like but in social media there is limited safety. If you have 2000 followers for example, you are allowing all of them to enter your life by posting about a moment that you are experiencing that causes you the urge to share. Would you do the same by allowing anyone to enter your house the same way you are allowing people to have access to your life? That is what we need to ask ourselves.

Suppose you have been in 2 relationships in the past and both didn’t work out. But you had posted a lot about those relationships on your social media account. Do you want random followers of your social media account to walk up to you and ask about what happened and why you broke up with someone? We need to remember that the more we post, the more we are becoming vulnerable to the outside world.

Q. How do I know if I am balancing my time on social media?

Listen to feedback from the people you live with because others observe us more than we observe ourselves. If you frequently receive comments from them like “you are always on your phone”, ‘I don’t get to talk to you nowadays”, “I can’t get your attention”, “We are not connecting anymore”, then it is time to reflect on your social media usage or device usage in general.

Q. How do I increase my attention span, focus on studies and avoid being on social media for long?

When cable TV came to India, studies show that our attention span reduced from 20 minutes to 15 minutes. Now with reels on social media, there is a concern that our attention span may be further shrinking to match the reel duration of a minute. To increase focus and attention spans, you have to be disciplined and to be a little hard on yourself. Discipline is a form of self love. The same technique won’t work for everyone but some general ways are to set timers for social media apps, or uninstall them for weekdays and install only on weekends, or uninstall for few weeks to be away from them, or get off them forever, inform people to simply message you instead, meditation, yoga or practice mindfulness to be in the here and now.

It was an eye-opening session for an activity that most of us do several times a day without thinking while accessing our social media apps. A take home thought that bears mentioning is that when we are addicted to anything, be it social media or anything else, it is a mental illness. We need to go for therapy if we are unable to get over it. Only will power or motivation may not be enough to get rid of any addiction. It may be that deep down we may need healing from some past trauma and to overcome that we may be indulging in some form of addiction to keep getting temporary dopamine boosts to have the illusion of feeling good. That is certainly something to reflect and introspect on before your finger reaches out to tap Instagram now.

– Written by Amit Rai

– Edited and uploaded by Mahrukh

As humans we would naturally want fulfilling relationships with our close ones. But how do we make sure that the bonds formed in our relationships are deeper, rather than at a surface level, and what should we do to maintain it that way?

Rashida Poonawala, an experienced mental health professional, a psychologist and NLP practitioner, based in Pune was our guest speaker to discuss this topic at our HCI online session on 9th August, 2023.

According to Rashida, the best tool that we have in any relationship is communication. If we do not talk, we will never understand the other person’s perspective. What affects relationships is the way we communicate: the pitch, the tone and the vocabulary we use. Human beings are complex. Sometimes what we do not mean what we say and sometimes we do not say what we feel deeply and leave things unsaid. Sometimes we do not say things that we think may hurt another person, whereas those unsaid things may actually repair the relationship or even prevent it from going down hill, if they were actually said.

Imagine a pot where water is being poured. Once it is filled and you keep pouring in more water, it will spill over and if you continue to add more water, the pot itself will start shaking. This is exactly what happens to our mind. Many a times when we talk to someone, we hear some things from them that may hurt us or affect us but we do not talk about it or confront it because there may not be openness or free space in that relationship. We keep pushing it to the back of the mind where we are constantly reminded of that and it keeps affecting us long after that conversation has ended.

A healthy relationship needs to have honesty, trust, respect, openness to any conversation possible and this helps in building self esteem. When we have all this, our mind will not be overburdened with things left unsaid or saying things you do not mean only to make the other person feel better, because of the openness, trust and honesty in that relationship. Both the partners in that relationship will then feel positive. What we think is how we behave. If we feel positive that is how we will behave with each other and that is what creates a healthy bond.

Highlights of Q&A Session:

Q. How to tell No to someone you love without hurting or losing that person?

Emotional attachment is different from emotional dependency. Many a times, it is emotional dependency that hampers a relationship. If you are thinking about how to say no, it means the basis of the relationship does not have openness and understanding, else this question would not arise. And if there is no openness and understanding, then where are you heading with that person is what you need to think about.

Learn to talk with your partner. Don’t go into a thought process where you are constantly thinking: “If I say no, how will he react?” “What will he feel about me and about our relationship?” “How will my saying No affect our existing relationship?” “I know how my partner thinks and he will get hurt”. We do not need to get into all this mind reading if there is openness and understanding. If you cannot talk, what is the point of being in a relationship? Be frank, give a specific reason for saying No. If you do not give a reason, your partner will not understand. Express your feelings and say how you feel. And then move on.

Talk to your partner, don’t be judgemental. Don’t criticise your partner. Validate your partner. Then the other person will also understand your point of view.

Q. Sometimes in a marriage the male spouse is always the one who is listening while the female spouse is talking. So the male does not feel heard and he goes to find some other friend who will lend him a listening ear and this creates an emotional bond outside the marriage but then the new friend also starts expecting more from the married male spouse. How to deal with this situation?

Statistically women are very emotional and get into detailing of everything, so they tend to talk more and the men usually are not like that and tend to take a step backwards. This is how usually the dynamic plays. But before the man goes out of the relationship to find someone else, he needs to  reflect on whether he has actually tried to talk to his wife about his feelings and the fact that he does not feel heard and respected. But if you are feeling overwhelmed it is time to take help of couples’ counselling to repair the relationship. The counsellor will offer a free and non judgemental space where you can be heard.

Q. How to create a strong bond in a long distance relationship where one of the persons is introverted and not good at communication?

Physical closeness is important in a relationship and in a long distance relationship this important thing is missing. Communication becomes even more important in such a relationship so that the distance is not within 2 hearts (“dooriyan dilon mei nahin honi chahiye.”) Even though you don’t talk much, you can make the other person feel how important they are to you. Validate your partner. At least say what is important. No one is a mind reader, but you need to make the effort to say what needs to be said to make the other person feel that they are important to you.

Q. My mom is aggressive, dominating, self-obsessed by nature and my family is a dysfunctional one. She is short tempered. She had anxiety issues but she does not take medication for it currently. She takes advantage of my father. Emotional and mental abuse takes place in the house. She does not want to go to a counsellor because she feels it is a stigma and worries about what will happen when people find out. She is worried about “what others will think”. She has narcissistic tendencies and is manipulative. She has a “my way or the highway” kind of attitude.

In psychology 60+ is a geriatric person. So for a geriatric, only supportive therapy is possible. A person who has conditioned herself to live in a certain way for 50+ years of her life is not likely to change. It will simply cause conflict if she is forced to change. Since the family members are affected by her nature, they will need to work their way around her nature. You need to accept your mother as it is. But you need to set boundaries with her so that it does not affect you. You also need to support your father emotionally. Focus on yourself because your mother has already lived her life and you need to concentrate on your own mental health.

At this point Umang quipped in with a funny Bollywood reference where he said “So the song is useless: Ab toh hai tumpe har khushi apni. Tumpe marna hai zindagi apni”! Rashida responded with her own Bollywood reference where she mouthed a dialogue of Kareena Kapoor from the movie ‘Jab We Met’ where she says, “Mai apni favourite hun”. That is the attitude we need to have to focus on ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings and on our own mental health.

Q. How to have a relationship with your ex? You do not want to completely break away from them as they have been an important part of your life. Where do you draw the boundary and how to deal with the fear of falling in love again and getting hurt?

The feeling of the rush of emotions when in love (honeymoon period) lasts for a short time only. Later you get habituated to that person. Inspite of not being in a relationship, your ex is giving you something and that is why you are going back to that person. But you need to be careful and decide among yourselves what is expected and what is not expected, what is acceptable and what is not. One person could be seeing the other as a friend but the other one could still be in a vulnerable state. So a frank discussion needs to be done. The dos and donts and the boundary setting has to be clear. If 2 people are parting it should be on a happy note.

Q. Is monogamy a myth or is it possible?

It is an individual decision. We cannot comment or give an opinion on it. Everyone is not the same, just as all 5 fingers of the hand are not the same. There should be communication and openness among the partners that all of them are willing to accept this arrangement.

The session ended on a good note. It was an insightful one where we understood the importance of healthy bonds and how to cultivate them.

– Compiled by Amol More

– Written by Amit Rai

– Edited and uploaded by Mahrukh

I AM MORE THAN MY MENTAL ILLNESS

We all have to juggle various roles: as parents, children, siblings, friends and colleagues. We may be an executive in a company, an amateur poet, an environmental activist or an avid footballer. At the same time we may be a sexual abuse survivor, a caregiver to an ailing parent and an only parent to a physically challenged child. And then, depression strikes.

We begin treatment. But the responsibilities do not go away. Your boss will still need that deadline to be met. Your child will still need your time to play. Your football team will still need their only goal keeper to win the match against the neighbouring society’s team. Your friend will still need that loan to tide over their difficult time. All this, while you learn to take care of yourself with the treatment, visits to the psychiatrist and counsellor.

Your past scars haunt you. On dark days you don’t feel like getting out of bed, but you push yourself. Because staying down is not an option. Deep inside you know, you are more than your nightmares. You are more than what people see. Your mental illness is only a part of you. Your scars do not define you. Your struggles do not hold you back. You are more than that.

This is the theme for our 6th anniversary: “I am more than my mental illness”. We are the Hugging Club of India, an initiative to remove stigma around mental illness. We offer a safe platform for all communities : straight, LGBTQIA+ and more to express their feelings and mental health challenges freely.

We are honoured and excited to host Ira Khan @khan.ira who will be addressing the Hugging Club family on our anniversary theme.

Ira Khan @khan.ira, founder of Agatsu Foundation and an ardent advocate for mental health, will be gracing the 6th anniversary event of the Hugging Club of India as the Chief Guest on October 02, 2023 at Amaha Mental Health Clinic, Bandra, Mumbai at 5 p.m. She is also the daughter of superstar and icon of the Hindi film industry, actor-producer, Aamir Khan. Ira has been quite open about battling cyclical depression and is a youth icon in her own right.

We are planning a fun, event-filled October with lots of creative events, pot luck, talent show (suggestions welcome!) and of course, something that is India’s first-of-its-kind event series, where mental health experts talk about their own mental health challenges and how they overcame them.

Highlights of our last 6 years:

-Stopped 40 people from dying of suicide.

-Helped over 1200 people to open up about their mental illness.

-Helped over 100 people to come out of various addictions.

-Organised and hosted over 500 mental wellness interactive sessions (online and offline) attended by over 9000 people across India.

-Created a 24 x7 support group for people with mental illness.

-Helped 18 people to restart working with emotional support and treatment.

-Reached out and spread awareness to lakhs through social media

Anupam Kher is a talented actor renowned for this talent. When he was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder, it didn’t stop him from marching ahead in his career. So, what’s stopping you!

You are more than your mental illness. You can achieve the heights of your career too.

Go ahead with your dreams and attain whatever you have set out for.

No mental illness can stop you!

Why should a psychiatrist talk about exercise, which is related to physical health? Shouldn’t they be talking about their own field of mental health?

Well, the answer to that intriguing question was given by our special guest, Dr Nischol Raval, a renowned Consultant Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist, from Sahyadri Hospital, Pune. He conducted an online session on June 14^th 2023.

Dr Raval says that our mind and body are deeply connected. If one is affected, it will affect the other. There is sufficient medical literature showing evidence that exercise is beneficial for mental health. It reduces anxiety, depression, negative mood, improves self-esteem and cognitive functions. It is also beneficial for patients dealing with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia and dementia. However, exercise does not get the kind of importance that it should in treatment options.

Exercise also reduces craving and severity of withdrawal in substance use disorders and is also associated with increased abstinence rate.

At least 9 weeks of exercise is required for significant biological benefits to appear. Exercise and physical activity affects our immune system, physiology and psychology positively.

Psychological effects of exercise:

– Distraction from negative thoughts and ruminations – ‘mental timeout’

– Increase self-esteem and self efficacy

– Social outlet

– Helps in building resilience

Negative effects of exercise when done in excess:

– Excessive training can lead to repeated infections due to reduced immunity

– Distressing outcomes when associated with eating disorders

– Exercise induced injury in dependent and exercise obsessive people

– Exercise addiction and withdrawal symptoms

– Negative self and body image associated with compulsive exercise

How to initiate exercise:

– Find the right motivation

– Physical health assessment before you start

– Pick an activity you really enjoy

– Have alternatives (swimming, walking, running, weight lifting, etc)

– Activities should be non-competitive and non-ego involved

– Time of exercise (morning or evening, depending on personal preference)

– Try to exercise in a group (to motivate each other and also to socialise)

– Start low and go slow (“it’s not a race!”)

– Be regular

– Set personal fitness goals for yourself

Highlights of the Q & A Session

1. Apart from exercise, what can I do to reduce stress?

– Avoid junk food/ fast food, eat home-made food

– Regular sleep

– Progressive muscle relaxation technique

2. I sleep regularly and exercise for 2 hours daily. But I still feel stressed out. What can I do?

40-45 minutes of exercise is sufficient for health benefits. Excessive exercise also induces stress hormones in body. Reduce exercise gradually. Try to alternate between different exercises and take one day off in a week from exercise.

3. I feel sleepy after doing exercise. Is it okay to sleep after a workout?

No issue in taking a nap (15 to 20 minutes) if your body is tired. Listen to your body.

4. How to control emotional eating/ eating junk food?

Exercise can also reduce the urge for emotional eating. The urge for emotional eating comes because our brain needs a dopamine kick for feeling good. So go for a brisk walk when you feel that urge to eat junk food. This will also release dopamine in the body. So you are replacing food with exercise to give the same stimulation to the brain.

It was an educative and eye-opening session where we learned that therapy and medication are not the only tools we have to deal with mental health issues. Exercise is like the third leg of a tripod on which the balance of our mind stands and it is an essential component of the triad.

– Written by Amit Rai

– Compiled by Amol More

– Edited and uploaded by Mahrukh

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There is no shame in talking about your mental illness. Just like your body is prone to illnesses, so is your mind. Come, let’s open up about our illness, take a positive step to cure it and experience a light heart as we talk about dealing with it.

Our HCI Online session on June 7, 2023 was on Anxiety. We aimed at understanding it, learning how to deal with it and live with it in a good spirit and in a lighter way. Our esteemed guest for the evening was Dr. Kalpana (Athvale) Raval, a consultant psychiatrist and psychotherapist based in Pune. She is a self-confessed Bollywood buff, which explains the quirky title she chose for the discussion! Anxiety is considered a primary emotion in our mind, which is beneficial to our performance as individuals, provided it is at a medium level. It is actually a helpful emotion that keeps us alert. Without any anxiety, would we study and prepare for exams? Would we rehearse any performance? Would we be able to work without the pressure of a deadline?

The optimum level of anxiety would differ depending on the situation and the individual. A higher level can cause things like being blank before a performance or overthinking. The optimum level of anxiety would differ depending on the situation and the individual. A higher level can cause things like being blank before a performance or overthinking.                   

Anxiety has several components, e.g. physical symptoms, mental (or cognitive) component, psychological component causing an emotional roller coaster and an autonomic component where our autonomic nervous systems gets disturbed.

There are 3 main criteria that distinguish plain anxiety from an anxiety disorder. It is anxiety disorder if it is:
1. Out of proportion (anxiety response is overwhelming as compared to the situation)
2. Out of context (anxiety symptoms appearing without any apparent reason)
3. Outlasting the situation (anxiety remaining even after the related event has passed, e.g. an exam)
Signs of anxiety disorder may require help from a mental health professional.

Types of anxiety disorders:
1. Panic attacks: a sudden increase in heart beats, trembling, sweating, fears of heart attack/ stroke/ breathlessness or the patient may fear he is losing his mind. He may reach the casualty of a nearby hospital with these fears but the doctor’s diagnosis does not substantiate any such conditions.
2. Generalised anxiety disorder: Dr Kalpana illustrated this condition with a 1979 Bollywood movie “Meri Biwi ki Shaadi” in which the protagonist played by Amol Palekar has this irrational fear entrenched in his mind that he is going to die. Therefore, he prepares to get his wife married off even while he is alive so he can leave this world without any worries. This is a classical example of generalised anxiety disorder. Symptoms are headaches, palpitations, tension, giddiness, restlessness, uneasiness which is lingering. Usual blood tests would be fine indicating no other physical condition.
3. Phobia-specific anxiety: The world of Harry Potter provides perfect examples for phobias. Harry Potter fears Dementor, Neville Longbottom is fearful of his teacher Snape and Ron Weasley is scared of spiders. A person with a phobia is normal except for that specific fear.
4. Social anxiety: People with social anxiety are okay with a limited group of people, but when they are in a large group or when they have to be in a gathering, (e.g. a wedding function or get togethers) they get extremely nervous and make excuses to get out of it.
5. Performance anxiety: It happens when one has to perform at an event or give a lecture or if a student is asked to respond to a question in a classroom or before a viva, etc. There would be butterflies in the stomach at such a time.

Why Anxiety needs to be treated? Anxiety affects our autonomic nervous system, which is a core engine running in our body. It is connected to several organs and therefore persistent anxiety disorder, if left untreated for years, can cause diseases all over the body.

Myths about Medicines: 1. I have to take medicines for lifetime 2. I will get addicted to medicines 3. Medicines will make me drowsy 4. They are ‘strong’ – will have side effects Along with medicines, we also need to practice relaxation techniques, such as progressive muscle relaxation technique. Details of the technique may be obtained from YouTube.

Highlights from the Question & Answer session:
1. Anxiety is causing Procrastination:
Make a list of the tasks and assign priority to them. Start with only the absolutely essential tasks. To motivate yourself, give yourself a star on the calendar if you were able to complete an essential high priority task today that you did not prefer to do initially. Try to get 2 stars daily. If you get 12 or more stars in a week, reward yourself with something you like, e.g. allow yourself an ice cream. Once you master completing these essential tasks consistently, challenge yourself to add additional tasks and give yourself a special reward once you get there.
2. How to deal with insecurities due to anxiety? (for example insecurities related to looks or abilities):
At times of anxiety, go out for a walk or jog at the spot. Physical activity reduces anxiety. Restlessness and the insecurities will automatically settle down. Positive affirmations (self[1]suggestions) also help in such scenarios.
3. Had previous history of addiction and now have anxiety of relapse:
This would be an example of a good anxiety because it keeps one alert of not falling back into old, harmful habits.

4. How to help if someone near you is having a panic attack?:
Person is extremely restless and may not be in a receptive stage. But you can try the following: a. Assure him his condition is not dangerous. b. Offer him a glass of water, make him sit down and simply be with him. c. Maybe you can get him to try relaxation breathing exercise calmly and do it side by side with him (deep slow inhalation, hold and slow exhalation). d. Take him for a gentle stroll, maybe talk random things with him or hum a song. e. Grounding technique: Try to do this together with him. It is a 5,4,3,2,1 technique. – Begin with 5 things that a person can see, maybe a glass of water, a car, a towel hanging on a rack, etc. – 4 things a person can hear, e.g. a TV running in the background, a car horn, people talking, etc. – 3 things a person can feel the touch of – 2 things that a person can smell and – 1 thing that a person can taste Usually by the end of this, the person would have calmed down.
5. How to deal with social anxiety?: For example if you need to attend a wedding, a technique that works here is to rehearse mentally about the kind of situations and people you will face and how you will react. The fear of anxiety will start to lessen gradually This can also be done while doing progressive muscle relaxation technique. Over time when this is practiced regularly, confidence will increase and the feeling of being overwhelmed will dissipate.

It was an enlightening session where we learned a lot about anxiety and are more confident on dealing with it in our day to day lives. Dr. Kalpana’s ever smiling face and calming demeanour is what made the session a one to remember.

– Written by Amit Rai

– Compiled by Amol More

– Edited and uploaded by Mahrukh

Every type of illness needs timely treatment. More so with mental illness. Once we see our symptoms, we often deny any kind of requirement for a doctor or medicines. When we finally face our illness head on, that’s when we begin the process of treatment – a therapist, a psychiatrist, taking medical help, having regular medicines. Just like physical illnesses, mental illness too can be cured with medication and through regular visits with doctors. Let’s take that first critical step, today!